Why can't we just fast forward until I move back to Bloomington?

Ughhh so depressed. I've never felt so revolted by food and social interaction and myself. I guess middle school might have been like this, but that was a long ass time ago. All I can bring myself to do is sleep and watch National Geographic specials on Netflix.

So the first boyfriend I ever had came and went. I guess it's possible that it's not the end of it, but I've learned to accept that the healthiest thing to do is to treat it as if it is the end. That way I get over this depression now instead of delaying it until I am disappointed. Did I mention I've taken like 4 naps today?

At least I got free sympathy. Chrissy got Travis to smoke with us. Josh was really excited. Chrissy told Travis I broke up with my boyfriend and Josh said "Fuck yeah, I'll smoke to that. Let's take some molly, too." Which made me "lol", even if I did feel slightly uncomfortable. Mostly just because he looked all cracked out and he wouldnt stop staring at me. Yay...

Adam is here and he is the last person I want to deal with. So I am going to hide in my room. It's safe in here, and at least I picked up all the dog shit. Time to wallow in my lair.

Well that's just depressing.

As in like life. I think I can hear someone shuffling around outside. It's either a ghost or a murderer, but either way I'm not too concerned. Death is like sleeping forever. Sounds pretty nice if you ask me.

I've been lacking inspiration so I haven't been writing very much. I hate it when I lack things.

I'm only 19. Does anyone else realize this? I have my whole mother fucking life ahead of me. Compromising is lame. Trying too hard for anything that time will probably destroy anyway seems like an awful waste to me.

I got new shampoo today. It smells like raspberries. And lotion (!). I went grocery shopping. It took forever, and I was really excited about all the awesome things I found. It's a fucking art. I really do love cooking, too. It's way more satisfying than eating out.

I'd like to name the previous paragraph "Things I Wish I Could Talk About and People Would Listen." In all fairness, it's probably my fault. I guess that shit is pretty boring.

Where are all of my friends at?

The landlord is a creep.

I don't like him one bit. He smiles just a tad too friendly, and his stare lingers just a bit too long. Also, I heard him having long conversations with the dogs when he thought no one was here. Unbalanced man.

My dad threw money at me again. God, I love that. Free money is awesome. The concept of parents is weird, but I'm willing to make an exception to my "avoid-awkward-at-all-cost-rule" for the sake of certain benefits.

Tonight I'm going to Showcase with Lindsey and Adam. Already sounds entertaining, huh? High school was so lame. It's going to be so lame, and I have to pay $5 to go back. Yeah, that's right, five whole fucking dollars for this shitty shit. Who do they think they are kidding?

I've been hanging out with Mark a whole lot here lately. It's not awful, but he still doesn't understand my sense of humor. His confusion amuses me, so I let him stay around. Which is saying something, because he's making me watch E! right now.

I wish I wasn't so observant.

I lack the ability to understand why anyone would have the ability to lie. It is just one of those things that I don't do. I didn't really realize this until one time Cindy asked me a question, and I answered it truthfully. She was slightly upset, and I said, "What, did you want me to lie?" My mom then said, "Don't expect that out of Abbie, she can't do it." It shocked me that my mom was ever so observant of my behavior, but that's beside the point. It's true. Save white lies and lies of omission (because I do have a habit of avoiding telling people when they've upset me), I always tell the truth. Some people don't do this. It's crazy.

The worst part about this is that I always know. I might not let on that I know, and at first I might not even be sure. But eventually I will find out. I remember a surprising amount of detail from conversations, and always realize when two things don't match up. But sometimes I will be polite and ignore it anyway. However, that's usually when I stop trusting people. Which is already a problem for me. Ugh, I'm so stressed out here lately. I wish I was stupid.

Today I also realized I argue the same way my dad does, except mine is introvert-style. That is to say, it's very dismissive, condescending, and sarcastic. I can usually stop myself with people I like, but people I don't like receive the full brunt of my wrath. Sometimes I'm so like him, it's scary. One time my mom pointed out that my dad and I both fake-yawn when we're trying to avoid something. Crazy. I didn't really realize it until recently because he's so extroverted, just like everyone else in my fucking family (read: exhausting). It's hard to translate your personality traits when you have that one major difference.

I'm done talking, now. I'm excited to go back to Fort Wayne so I can talk to Cindy and Chrissy, because they are literally the only people in the whole entire world who actually listen to me. Even though they hate it, they're very tolerant. lols. Sigh. :/

Netflix, ily.

I can't blame Kile for never going to class, now. He had a Netflix subscription, and I completely understand. So far I've watched Hey Arnold!, The Graduate, The Shining, and Dear Zachary. I'm about to watch Marathon Man. I signed up for this shit like 24 hours ago.

I have a thing for the young Dustin Hoffman. He's sort of gorg', you know? It's too bad he's so fucking short. And old. He's really really old now. His awkward, goofy presence on-screen is charming as a young man, but now it just translates to senility. That's something I just can't get that into.

This whole Osama thing is indescribably annoying and troubling. I'm pretty sure today I realized I can't be a socialist. No form of government should be too strong. It's just terrifying. I'm going to reexamine my political beliefs, and I will get back to you on that later. If the resulting hopelessness doesn't lead me to suicide, that is.

I need to watch this movie, and then eat and study for my Sociology final tomorrow. We're so close the end, kids. We can do this.

My BFF is such a little capitalist. Tear.

Talking to Lindsey and Tom about politics and social issues can really hurt my head sometimes. Some of the more recent ones include diamonds, vegetarianism/veganism, homeschooling, living in exclusion, aborting down syndrome babies, Libertarianism vs. Socialism, etc. We even had an argument last night about which would be worse to have: AIDS or cancer. And just now we had an argument about sweatshops and buying things secondhand. Sometimes I get the impression that me and Lindsey hate each other. Rather, she hates everything I think is important. I can seriously feel my blood pressure going up every time we argue. Nghh. I need a nap.

I really can't talk to her about anything. Probably one of the worst superiority complexes I've ever encountered in my life. It's been a month as of today, and I'm feelin' blue. I don't feel like dealing with anything, at all. I need someone to talk to, but everyone I know has their own shit to deal with, i.e. boyfriends to hang out with. It seems like the majority of my friendships are usually one-sided when it comes to dealing with problems, me being the nurturer or confidant or whatever and never really getting that sort of stuff back. Cindy has been probably the only one I've been able to depend on for shit like that, but she's busy all the time now. It's actually gotten to the point where I talk to her on Facebook, and most of the comments she makes are completely irrelevant because she isn't paying attention (ah, extroverts). Did I say blue? I meant depressed. It's been awful lately haha. Fuck, I'm going back to sleep.

Bubblegum whipits and MGMT.

Earlier it was regular whipits and Ratatat, but we went back for round two, and I convinced Tom to get the bubblegum. Good fucking choice, Abbie. Shit is delicious. And as for the Ratatat to MGMT switch, we wanted something with words.

I'm starving. Lindsey and Tom are eating Papa John's pizza, and I'm sitting here eating dry roasted edamame. It just goes to show you you can get used to any diet if you adhere to it long enough. Plus there's 8 grams of fiber per serving of this hamster food, and I after I learned that I couldn't possibly stop eating with good conscious.

Last weekend with these crazy kids. I think were going to watch movies and dabble. I invited that guy over. He should say no, so that I don't have to be forcibly social. It can be exhausting, you know. Plus, I'm pretty sure he has Asperger's, and who needs inconvenient Chris flashbacks? Not this girl. Although if he offers to show me his poetry, I will accept immediately. It's a thing.

I've decided I'm going to start making my own peanut butter. Maple peanut butter, because I fucking love maple syrup. But for now I need to go find some sustenance that has more flavor than these little dried out beans. Bleh.