Well that's just depressing.

As in like life. I think I can hear someone shuffling around outside. It's either a ghost or a murderer, but either way I'm not too concerned. Death is like sleeping forever. Sounds pretty nice if you ask me.

I've been lacking inspiration so I haven't been writing very much. I hate it when I lack things.

I'm only 19. Does anyone else realize this? I have my whole mother fucking life ahead of me. Compromising is lame. Trying too hard for anything that time will probably destroy anyway seems like an awful waste to me.

I got new shampoo today. It smells like raspberries. And lotion (!). I went grocery shopping. It took forever, and I was really excited about all the awesome things I found. It's a fucking art. I really do love cooking, too. It's way more satisfying than eating out.

I'd like to name the previous paragraph "Things I Wish I Could Talk About and People Would Listen." In all fairness, it's probably my fault. I guess that shit is pretty boring.

Where are all of my friends at?

The landlord is a creep.

I don't like him one bit. He smiles just a tad too friendly, and his stare lingers just a bit too long. Also, I heard him having long conversations with the dogs when he thought no one was here. Unbalanced man.

My dad threw money at me again. God, I love that. Free money is awesome. The concept of parents is weird, but I'm willing to make an exception to my "avoid-awkward-at-all-cost-rule" for the sake of certain benefits.

Tonight I'm going to Showcase with Lindsey and Adam. Already sounds entertaining, huh? High school was so lame. It's going to be so lame, and I have to pay $5 to go back. Yeah, that's right, five whole fucking dollars for this shitty shit. Who do they think they are kidding?

I've been hanging out with Mark a whole lot here lately. It's not awful, but he still doesn't understand my sense of humor. His confusion amuses me, so I let him stay around. Which is saying something, because he's making me watch E! right now.

I wish I wasn't so observant.

I lack the ability to understand why anyone would have the ability to lie. It is just one of those things that I don't do. I didn't really realize this until one time Cindy asked me a question, and I answered it truthfully. She was slightly upset, and I said, "What, did you want me to lie?" My mom then said, "Don't expect that out of Abbie, she can't do it." It shocked me that my mom was ever so observant of my behavior, but that's beside the point. It's true. Save white lies and lies of omission (because I do have a habit of avoiding telling people when they've upset me), I always tell the truth. Some people don't do this. It's crazy.

The worst part about this is that I always know. I might not let on that I know, and at first I might not even be sure. But eventually I will find out. I remember a surprising amount of detail from conversations, and always realize when two things don't match up. But sometimes I will be polite and ignore it anyway. However, that's usually when I stop trusting people. Which is already a problem for me. Ugh, I'm so stressed out here lately. I wish I was stupid.

Today I also realized I argue the same way my dad does, except mine is introvert-style. That is to say, it's very dismissive, condescending, and sarcastic. I can usually stop myself with people I like, but people I don't like receive the full brunt of my wrath. Sometimes I'm so like him, it's scary. One time my mom pointed out that my dad and I both fake-yawn when we're trying to avoid something. Crazy. I didn't really realize it until recently because he's so extroverted, just like everyone else in my fucking family (read: exhausting). It's hard to translate your personality traits when you have that one major difference.

I'm done talking, now. I'm excited to go back to Fort Wayne so I can talk to Cindy and Chrissy, because they are literally the only people in the whole entire world who actually listen to me. Even though they hate it, they're very tolerant. lols. Sigh. :/

Netflix, ily.

I can't blame Kile for never going to class, now. He had a Netflix subscription, and I completely understand. So far I've watched Hey Arnold!, The Graduate, The Shining, and Dear Zachary. I'm about to watch Marathon Man. I signed up for this shit like 24 hours ago.

I have a thing for the young Dustin Hoffman. He's sort of gorg', you know? It's too bad he's so fucking short. And old. He's really really old now. His awkward, goofy presence on-screen is charming as a young man, but now it just translates to senility. That's something I just can't get that into.

This whole Osama thing is indescribably annoying and troubling. I'm pretty sure today I realized I can't be a socialist. No form of government should be too strong. It's just terrifying. I'm going to reexamine my political beliefs, and I will get back to you on that later. If the resulting hopelessness doesn't lead me to suicide, that is.

I need to watch this movie, and then eat and study for my Sociology final tomorrow. We're so close the end, kids. We can do this.

My BFF is such a little capitalist. Tear.

Talking to Lindsey and Tom about politics and social issues can really hurt my head sometimes. Some of the more recent ones include diamonds, vegetarianism/veganism, homeschooling, living in exclusion, aborting down syndrome babies, Libertarianism vs. Socialism, etc. We even had an argument last night about which would be worse to have: AIDS or cancer. And just now we had an argument about sweatshops and buying things secondhand. Sometimes I get the impression that me and Lindsey hate each other. Rather, she hates everything I think is important. I can seriously feel my blood pressure going up every time we argue. Nghh. I need a nap.

I really can't talk to her about anything. Probably one of the worst superiority complexes I've ever encountered in my life. It's been a month as of today, and I'm feelin' blue. I don't feel like dealing with anything, at all. I need someone to talk to, but everyone I know has their own shit to deal with, i.e. boyfriends to hang out with. It seems like the majority of my friendships are usually one-sided when it comes to dealing with problems, me being the nurturer or confidant or whatever and never really getting that sort of stuff back. Cindy has been probably the only one I've been able to depend on for shit like that, but she's busy all the time now. It's actually gotten to the point where I talk to her on Facebook, and most of the comments she makes are completely irrelevant because she isn't paying attention (ah, extroverts). Did I say blue? I meant depressed. It's been awful lately haha. Fuck, I'm going back to sleep.

Bubblegum whipits and MGMT.

Earlier it was regular whipits and Ratatat, but we went back for round two, and I convinced Tom to get the bubblegum. Good fucking choice, Abbie. Shit is delicious. And as for the Ratatat to MGMT switch, we wanted something with words.

I'm starving. Lindsey and Tom are eating Papa John's pizza, and I'm sitting here eating dry roasted edamame. It just goes to show you you can get used to any diet if you adhere to it long enough. Plus there's 8 grams of fiber per serving of this hamster food, and I after I learned that I couldn't possibly stop eating with good conscious.

Last weekend with these crazy kids. I think were going to watch movies and dabble. I invited that guy over. He should say no, so that I don't have to be forcibly social. It can be exhausting, you know. Plus, I'm pretty sure he has Asperger's, and who needs inconvenient Chris flashbacks? Not this girl. Although if he offers to show me his poetry, I will accept immediately. It's a thing.

I've decided I'm going to start making my own peanut butter. Maple peanut butter, because I fucking love maple syrup. But for now I need to go find some sustenance that has more flavor than these little dried out beans. Bleh.

Failed Taco Bell trips suck.

They messed up my order at Taco Bell. I get one little thing and you fuck it up, really? The first Taco Bell we went to was closed. My window was down and this ridiculously drunk bro staggered up to it and asked me if he could hop in the car. I told him that didn't sound safe. Bro was persistent. Then I told him he had a bandaid on his shirt, because he did, and he got distracted. We escaped unscathed.

But I still don't have a burrito and that's lame. When I believed in God and I was in the throes of weight-loss obsession, I would've taken it as a sign that God was telling me I was too fat. I just came across a blog that had some "Weight-loss Wednesday" shit on it, and it instantly made me tired. I hate how it's a big deal.

Reminds me of when I was persistently in a bad mood in high school because I never ate. All I would do was walk around exhausted and then go home and sleep. And then there was the throwing up stage. That was more depression related, though. I would eat, vomit, cry, but then I would actually feel better. It was fucking crazy, and I knew it.

The stupid thing is it's not like I just learned to love myself and it all went away. I wanted to lose weight so bad, but I realized that eating disorders, unless taken to the extreme, are extremely ineffective. So I became vegan. In the beginning it felt like deprivation, so it had similar psychological effects, but it wasn't unhealthy. And it made me lose weight like crazy.

I would probably rate my self esteem as above average now. I can admit that if I gained weight, it would depress me. I don't really think about it too much, but at the same time I sort of miss obsessing about it. I still have the veganism thing, though. Say what you will about doing it for the right reasons (and it's not like it was 100% about the weight loss anyway), but it saved me. Just sayin'.