Crazy in love. Mad emphasis on the crazy.

I'm taking a break from my Chinese homework, because it's bullshit. It's raining, I'm on uppers, and I have a huge bag of pretzels next to me. Also, I'm overanalyzing everything. Good times, I'm tellin' ya.

My nugget is so horribly depressed, and it's driving me nuts that I can't do anything about it. Not that I'm so special I can like cure depression or whatever, but I can't even be with him to hold him and just be there. It's a terrible feeling. It's nothing compared to what he's feeling, though. I can hear the pain in his voice. It's enough to make me homicidal towards everyone who's hurt him. Most people are appallingly stupid, agreed? They don't deserve to have such a funny, caring, intelligent, sensitive, and sweet individual in their lives, because they don't appreciate what they have.

I just realized that that sounded like one of those paragraphs that they show a 14-year-old girl writing in a Lifetime movie in her journal right before she kills her boyfriend's parents, and the young couple run off together "in the name of love." That's not the case, I promise. (I've seen those movies, that bitch always ends up in juvie. I'm way too cute for the big house.) He loves his parents and his friends, which is completely understandable. I just wish they would be more supportive.

Especially since I suck at it. Humor works when you're seven and someone's crying because they skinned their knee, but problems aren't as simple as that anymore. Which is part of what I fail at, because my life is so fucking cushy. I can't relate. So I won't try to, but that's what people need. Someone who understands. I suggested he stay with my mom until he comes to visit me, because she can be really good at taking care of people when they need it, but I think it agitated him. I went on and on about it, and I wouldn't shut the fuck up. My intentions were good, but I need to learn how to not be so annoying.

I might be a little useless. I cried during the visit where he met my mom for the first time. Over my cat. Who do I think I am? It makes me feel like an attention whore. So many people have so many legitimate reasons to be upset, and I lose it over a cat. He comforted me, because he's an amazing person, but he shouldn't have had to. I waste time and energy, and I require way too much attention. I'm weak, and I know it. I wish I could change.

But it might never happen, so I'm offering up the fact that I would do anything for my boyfriend as a consolation prize. Yes, I know it hasn't even been three weeks, but he's seriously perfect. I've been chasing people who were completely incompatible with me for the "challenge" aspect my whole entire life. I also was into guys who didn't like me at all, or treated me like shit. Again, the "challenge." But I mostly did that because I was convinced I wouldn't be able to find anyone who I could actually be with happily. (It might also have something to do with being immature, but let's ignore that.) Because like I said before, I require a lot of emotional attention. I hate it, but it's the truth. And I also need someone who can be on the same intellectual level as me. And social, political, religious views? These things are important to me.

Jesse has them all. He's so smart; I love talking to him. He's not religious, he has his own unique political views, and he feels the same way about social issues that I do. He's a VEGAN. (Which is fantastic because that means I can make him food that we can enjoy together, and I don't have to hear about how it's lacking meat/eggs/dairy. (fucking duh)) His emotional astuteness is invaluable to me. He's accurately interpreted my emotions based on the expression on my face before. I was astounded. It was sexy.

Probably the best thing is how he treats me, though. He is so very affectionate and loving. Kile and John were the first of my school friends to meet him (after Lindsey, but she passed out relatively early that night). After that weekend, I asked them what they thought. They both adamantly agreed that they really liked him. They explained that they didn't really know how they felt about him personally because they didn't get to talk to him much, but that they had to like him because of the way he treated me. Everyone likes him. He's so fucking nice and easygoing. Even my mom could not help but go on and on about how sweet he is. It seems ridiculous that I ever sought after guys who were huge assholes, because I adore his affection. I know it sounds like I'm just enjoying the attention, but it's so much more than that. I can't even describe how much I appreciate him.    

Jesse is hilarious. The first time we met we watched movies at my house. I was so fucking nervous, it was embarrassing. I'm glad people can't read minds, because I was practically manic. We smoked some weed, and then we started to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show, and about half way through, I had a laugh attack. And when I say that, I mean serious business. He just kept on pointing out little things, and it was just so similar to things I would say (I think I'm the funniest person I know) that I couldn't control Myself. I sat there for like 10 minutes giggling so hard I was crying, and try to squeak out "sorry" and "i swear I'm not usually this insane" in between all the giggles. It wouldn't stop, and I asked him to stop talking for five minutes, because he still kept saying funny things. It was truly ridiculous.

Not to mention he's fucking gorgeous. (lol) But seriously, though. Although this is the least important of his positive attributes, I want to talk about it. Because he thinks he has flaws, but he doesn't. I mean I know that everyone has flaws or whatever, but when I look at him, the term "flaw" does not even exist. I just see every beautiful and unique aspect of his appearance. His thick, shiny hair. His sexy lips. The heavy-lidded stares he shoots at me sometimes. The way his whole face crinkles up when he laughs. (I can't really emphasize how much I love it when he laughs. His full-blown smile is adorable.) His cute, stubby (and skilled ;)) fingers. The gingery pseudo-beard. His chest, his tummy, his skinny hipster legs. A few body parts that aren't family-friendly (lols). I could go on forever, but I won't because I realize this is getting weird.

Can anyone make it through this post without vomiting? I know I sound like a psychopath. Like an infatuated teenager, if you will. But first of all, nobody reads this. I actually sent him a link here, but I doubt he remembers what it was, or kept it. I'm counting on that and his disinterest, actually, because if he ever read this he would probably be so creeped out he would break up with me. (Although that would make this post incredibly ironic. I will go on record right now succumbing to my hipster status. Irony makes hipsters wet.) Just like I needed to write that post about Chris to have some closure, I needed to write this post to help work out my thoughts on this. I've never been in love before, and I'm pretty sure this might be legitimate. It's terrifying. I can't help but think about how one day it will probably end, and it will break my heart. But my happiness now is definitely worth whatever happens later.

I swear, I will not write a post about Jesse for a long time. I was in the throes of heightened everything when I wrote the majority of this, and when I went back to re-read it, I even scared myself a bit. I fucking told everyone it's best if I don't say what I'm thinking. You don't realize how strange and fuckballs insane I am until I take something that sort of eliminates inhibitions. Dammit. But I feel like I have to preserve it for comedic purposes. And also because it's all fucking true.